female cleanse

i might be going about settling down the wrong way. looking in the wrong places, doing the wrong things, behaving in manners that in my mind seem fine and dandy, but in reality, fucking up big time, making the wrong moves, getting hurt in the process.

it's apparent that i still have issues within myself to sort out.

katrina, rebecca, felicia, yan, marina. 5 women in 2 years.

i need to stop. for real.

this 30th year, there will be no women. im going on a female cleanse.

all of you, better hold me to my word. help me, please.

pretty sure this is how the russian and i think.

i suspect that i have overly dramatic tendencies.

i might well be guilty of over reacting and blowing things out of proportion.

3 weeks went by, with either angry at the other for different things, both with egos so large, unwillingly to back down.

but in the end, to settle for peace, yours truly caved.

here's the thing. i will be a friend, nothing more - i don't think i have the mental capacity to compartmentalise the concept of friends with benefits. it's too emotionally draining.

farewell, my russian

dear gecko,

how are you?  i hope you're not too stressed about work and the house. things will fall in place, just be patient.

i miss you, so dearly.
i miss everything about you. your face, your smile, your smell, your laugh, your opinions. everything

the last week has been a bitch. i held out on contacting you, because i needed to see what i meant to you; suffice to say, it appears that you don't really care about me, not even as a friend.

not hearing from you all week (after you so blatantly and rudely blew me off at sunday's dinner), was honestly a stab through my heart.

i was shit as hell pissed at you.
that my darling, crossed the line for me. your apologies came across as an afterthought, and i'm fairly certain they were.

the irony is that in spite of all this, in spite of how much i know you don't care, i still do. because i love you, so much, with all of my being.

what's the point of loving you, when you don't want me to.
what's the point of being your friend, only for you to 'forget to check the time'
what's the point if trying to help you, when your independence gets the better of you
what's the point of being around for you, for you to sneer at my sincerity.

even as platonic friends, marina. even if i brought our friendship down to that level, i feel like an afterthought......

when you miss me, you text me. otherwise, it's effectively, fuck off regina, i have my own friends and my own life, i dont need you.

do you remember what we said that night at your house on your balcony, i said, ' let me love you, don't push me away' and you said ok.

but you've pushed and pushed my darling, and i've tried so hard to break through. i've given you my all, and done everything i can in my power to love and care for you, to get you to trust me.
you're afraid of.. getting hurt, you say.
you're kinda doing that on your own, by comparing me to your past, and assuming that im going to break your heart, but more so, by not allowing yourself to be loved.

i understand that this isn't the right time for you, with your work, with your house, you hating Singapore etc.
and that's fine. if it's not right, it's not right.

with all my heart, i wish you well.
cheesy as it sounds, perhaps you and i aren't meant to be anything more than just friends, but we have crossed paths, and ultimately we will both learn from our short time together.

it's been so hard trying to be your friend, whilst still being in love with you.
i had hoped that when i'd fallen out of love with you, i could continue being your friend you can depend on, but obviously, you don't want that.

so for the last time i will tell you:
my feelings for you have been true and real, marina. and i know you feel (felt?) the same. you've meant more to me than you know, and despite what you believe and what you think, you are pretty goddamn awesome. you're a beautiful person, and i hope you'll find someone you'll love as much as she loves you, and that she will take care of you well.

it was short lived, and it truly has been my privilege.

best wishes and love always,
your hedgehog

bruised but unscathed

stepping on the brakes hard, and screeching to a halt before you hit that wall, missing it by a hair. 

amidst the madness that is piano festival - which has been a convenient distraction. 

i walk away almost unscathed. enough of giving all of myself to someone who doesn't appreciate or want my love. 

albeit bruised, but hey, bruises fade after awhile, don't they?

another love, short lived.

as always, no regrets.

she remains in my heart, as with all the others who have come into my life. 

another lesson learnt. 

bring on the next chapter. let's go. 

crazy little thing called love.

it's been quite a ride, dealing with someone who's behaves in a hot/cold manner, not to mention her bucketful of psychological issues as well.

and the thing is, that I see it right there, how I'm being treated or (mistreated), and yet I struggle to walk away.

fuck this stupid thing called love.
fuck you, and what you do to me.

I see the wall and I'm still walking toward it. seriously. wtf.

leap and the net will appear

17 April 2014 is turning out to be the most amazing day i've had in a long time.

1. things with the russian are =)=)=)
2. i've been given confirmation that i'm going to london on tour in aug/sep
3. received an email that the kids have been invited to france of june 2015


SERIOUSLY!!!!?!!!!

i love today. LOVE. thank you for today.

live in the now, and leap. cos the net will fucking appear.

smoking... and other quirks

it's interesting how things/standards change without you even knowing..

i believe it's due to past experiences, which have taught me how to handle certain situations. how some things are far beyond your control, and nothing you do can/will change

take for example. i used to say i will never ever date or be with a smoker.

the russian smokes.

i can't change that fact, no more than i can stop biting my nails.

the sexual animal in me needs to roar again.

the ex drugged it so much, its stomach needs to be pumped.

more than platonic friends

so initially, the plan was to remain platonic friends with noods and the russian. to a certain extent, id always been attracted to either of them for varying reasons. but i figured, oh what the hell, neither of them could ever like me as more than friends, so lets just shut those doors and not get into anything remotely romantic, lest get hurt unnecessarily...

noods and i are on almost the exact same wavelength.. and we share similar interests..

the russian is so smart, so beautiful, so funny, and it's always so fun and light hearted with her.

recently, the russian and i have been hanging out heaps... she dropped a few hints here and there, but i never read too much into it, because i never in a million years think she'd ever like me.
i mean come on. she's gorgeous, those dimples of her are incrediballs, AND she's got a fucking phd.
i have none of those things..

except earlier this evening, she asked me to dinner, on a date.

seems i am like-able. yay.

lesbiangroupies.

it's a little early to say, but i may have found my lesbian 'hangout group'.

they come in form of noods and russian.

indeed, this is life event that requires documentation. =)

sometimes i wonder...

why it's so goddamn fucking difficult to find that one person... 

yeah i know.. gotta do things for yourself yada yada. find happiness within yada yada. 

it should be just simple, you know. 

two starcrossed lovers meeting, falling in love, and sharing a life together. 

fucking life. 

lapse

an accidental click on her facebook page, regarding a stray cat who was mauled by dogs. she had it sent to the vet and even picked up the costs. from the comments, it was evident 'that' friend was involved.

a jolt, and not quite understanding at all why it even affected me.

could it be that i feel like iv 'lost'?
i know for a fact that im the 'better regina'. even her bff sam said so.

a blip. a hiccup. a lapse.

this had better be short lived.

non-negotiable life values.

i had the most amazing and enlightening counselling session yesterday.

i was tasked to prioritise my life values. the exercise was to determine and show myself that there are some values that are important and non negotiable, know where to draw boundaries, so i don't blame myself if the relationship fails.

these are my values that cannot be compromised:
family
friends
loving
faithfulness
commitment

and the values that i need my partner to have, that cannot be compromised
family
commitment
faithfulness
loving
dependability

fairly similar - a mirror almost.

yan, as far as i'm concerned (and after much evaluation), didn't have 'family' and 'commitment'.
family: yan has her family, but her sense of family is completely different from mine - i want my family to be completely accepting of me (and they are), and i also want my partner's family to be completely accepting me, and vice versa. going to each other's houses, spending time with each other's families and not having to hide etc.
commitment: sure, yan was committed to me, but ultimately she 'doesn't believe in marriage'

that we've broken up isn't her fault, nor was it my fault. it's no one's fault.
we just have different life values. and that's ok.

i will forever be grateful to yan, she will always be a part of my life, and have a special place in my heart.

what happens now?

im not really keeping track, but i think it's been about 4 or 5 weeks since yan ended things.

in recent days, iv been thinking about giving her a call, just to check in on her to see how she is; but truth be told, im not entirely certain about whether or not i can speak to her without my feeling sad or have any 'woe is me' moments.

some things that i've taken as a good signs of recovery (amongst others):
none of those 'i wish we were/could get back together' feelings whilst going through some old photos of us;
going to places we used to hang out at, like fullerton hotel, or habitat coffee where we had our last fight;
no reactions to finding a tshirt she gave me, which i forgot to put aside.

i do reminisce, but i also do know that i have no wish for us to be a couple again.

it hit me the other day, that becky and yan are quite similar in character - i never saw it before.
and now that i see all the similarities, im glad yan had the balls (which i didn't) to call it quits.

i believe the one thing i can definitely do without, is her pessimistic view towards life and things in general, that she sees failure and negative what ifs; like 'what if we fight again', or 'love is not enough', that sort of negativity.

sure, i can be encouraging, and i always see things in more positive light.
perhaps in the future, should we ever be friends again, all that can and will rub off on her.

so here's the question i cannot answer.
why do i feel bad, and why do i feel that need to 'right' the last conversation i had with her.
i feel like i have to 'tell her' that i have no bad feelings towards her ending our relationship. i feel like that's the 'adult' way of handling things, which is what we've based our entire relationship on. being adults.

2 christmas concert tickets sit on my table. they've been set aside for her since the end of September.
what do i do with them?

more lessons.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/mark-manson/2013/10/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/

i think i was guilty of #2 and #4.

yan did try to teach these lessons, why didn't you learn?
now she's gone. remember! do not do again!

"detachment doesn't mean turning a cold shoulder to the world. far from it. it means transcending ego, caring without getting caught up in day to day commotion. watching life's changing panorama with patience, acceptance, and good humour."

memo to you #4

email draft 8 Nov (unsent)

hi,
i was thinking about calling you last night.. i kinda felt bad about that last call i made to you.

having said that, i make no apologies.. it was an instinctive reflex reaction to your email, without really thinking about it, and that's just the way it is. 

i've been on this emotional roller coaster. some days have been good, and others, i just pine for you like crazy.

it's funny how, even till now, i keep asking myself, what could i have done to make us work, and my answer is, compromise. i actually still have space left to give in to you. 
i wonder if you even realise what i've changed and compromised for you. 
1. the fact that you're not entirely out to your parents 
2. that i will never be accepted into your family and that i will never be able to interact with them like i wish i could. 
3. that you asked me to be less emotional - this one is/was tough, cos this was actually asking for me to change an integral part of me 
4. your alone time. 
im sure there are others, but these are the key matters i gave in to you, that i'm not sure i would usually. 

for whatever reason, some part of me does still blame myself for not trying hard enough; despite knowing all that i've done for you, and i dont regret it. because that's just how i am, because i love you. you know that. 

i went for a session with sheni earlier this week, and she asked me what your reason for calling us off is. 
and my answer was, 'actually i'm not really sure. i think it's because she's tired of my emotional outbursts, and she thinks i have a vendetta against one of her friends when it truly isn't. but she's made up her mind, and i can't do anything. she chose the wrong regina to keep in her life, that's all i know.' 

deep down, i think at some point in our relationship, i did know that maybe we weren't quite right for each other. 
- you don't want children 
- you don't agree with the institution of marriage; 
- you view relationships very, very, VERY differently from me 
but i kept pushing on, because i loved you, and i will do everything in my power to change things; love conquers all.

i dont know how you came to your decision. perhaps giving some part of yourself to me, by way of compromise, is unimaginable to you. maybe in your past relationship, you did that, and vowed never again, and so i was the unfortunate person to receive this non-compromise. well que sera sera.

i will always be thankful that you came into my life. you have taught me more than you can imagine, and introduced me to such a different way of looking at things. you're the only person who's ever said called me sayang, and tell me that you adore me.

i will never get to cook for you again.
i will never watch sherlock or the bake off or any tv with you again.
i will never receive anymore of your handmade soap.
i will never be your person to support you again.
i will never be your person to encourage you when you feel like you're failing.
i will never watch you compete in bjj, how i longed for that.
i will never travel with you again.
we talked about doing so many things together, and we'll never be able to do all that.
i guess we just weren't meant to be.

do you remember how we started out being friends? we met on pinksofa, then communicated via sms. i gave you concert tickets, but you never stuck around to say hello. we never met, and soon 'forgot' you. until 2 years later our friend brought us together, and ironically this friend also attributed to our demise. 

i once knew and believed that our relationship was a balanced one. but i think towards the end, i was giving more than you were willing to give.

you keep saying you're sorry for ending us, but you know baby, love means never having to say you're sorry.

i dont know if we can ever be friends again. we'll just have to wait and see.

so many many many words to you today.

email draft 4 Nov (unsent):

i have many things to say to you, things i want to share with you, but i can't.

so instead, i've blogged. all my responses to you, all my words to you. i was going to let you read it, but i wonder if there's any point in that.

im still in love you yan, i will always love you, and you will always remain in my heart. being with you has taught me alot. about myself, about life. and i guess i always pictured that we'll be growing and learning together for a longer time than what we had.

you've showed me that our love and relationship wasn't to last for a lifetime, but just for a season.

i forgive you for breaking my heart. it is what it is, and you made your choices. we weren't meant to be. it's hard for me to wish anything negative on you, it takes to much energy.

so i will leave you with this. food for thought for your next and future relationship(s), perhaps one day your perspectives will change.

iv given you all of me, even now I'm still giving. but no more my darling.
I must stop giving you anymore of me.

emotional waves and waste

one moment feeling ok, but when alone and mind revisits memories, that constant feeling of 'urgh'.

feeling wasted by these emotional waves, more crippling than a hangover.

such was the weekend that just was.

thank goodness it's over. but like with waves, they come and go, and they'll likely be less crippling in time to come.

what if you came back

i think it was one of our earlier big fights.. where you first had thoughts about ending the relationship.

i remember asking you what do you think will happen after, and you replied. 'i'll probably regret it, and ask if we could get back together'

i wonder if that'll happen. i also wonder how i'd respond.

for the sake of getting over you and not delving in self pity, i came up with a list (about a day after) and shared the list with my friends. told them to keep it and send it back to me whenever i think about you and wanting to get back with you. 'reasons why yan isn't right for you'. most on this list are, truth be told, nonissues; i've always seen past them because they're what makes you, you. they're just so completely stupid and inane, but also completely necessary to place you in bad light, just so it's easier to get through the waves.

i miss you. i miss telling you stuff, sharing my life with you.
i miss you heaps and i want to tell you. but im not allowed to.

and you might never ever find out.

let it die. please.

today's been tough.

actually this might be the first time (since you called us off) that i havent been able to get you off my mind. there were so very many pockets of time today, where i missed you tremendously, then thinking furiously what i can do to get you back. even now, as i get these words out, i tear. 

all the memories of us, all the association with things that we did, places we went..
all the good things, all the other things that've made us grow.
thoughts about how we handle our fights and how we've always managed to work things out..
they all came flooding in. the whole entire fucking day. even when i was trying my darnedest not to. 

pathetic. 

you're in japan, having the time of your life. i wonder if you're thinking of me.

it's so retarded. how can we both still love each other, yet not be together?? it doesn't make any sense.



email drafted 3 Nov, 2.33am (unsent)

i've been going back and forth about whether to respond to this email.

i have been advised by all, not to make any more contact with you. but, i can't seem to shirk off this need to reply.

i've always been an open book. i wear my heart on my sleeve. 

i told you once that i blog. i've been blogging for the longest time. it helps me keep my sanity. 

read it, don't read it. respond, don't respond. whatever you want.

dday + 1 week

received email from yan, 29 October, the evening before she left for tokyo:

I received your parcel today. I was hoping you'd keep the things I gave you - the cardholder and the Singa the Lion tee especially. You liked them so much. Is the Batman tee new??

How have you been? I know you wish to cut off all ties with me but I couldn't help it. If you don't reply, that's ok too I guess.

I realise I came across as cold and callous that night at the park. I'm sorry. It was a very difficult decision for me to make. I love you and miss you very much. I couldn't find a scenario in which we could be happy, without the constant fighting.

Please know that my feelings for you were and are genuine. Please don't think of our relationship badly, if you can. The past year's experiences are very meaningful to me.
I would love to hear from you again. If not, I wish you well, and I wish you love. I also hope you and your mother find a house you like. And that the kitties are happy and healthy.

reflex response: called and told her off. stop contacting me. i thought you had enough sense not to contact me when i asked you to.

in hindsight, perhaps it was a brash and stupid move, and i can't undo it. but there's not much point in reliving that 2 minutes.

also replied with an sms post call
"i love you too, but you really need to leave me alone so i can get over you. you made the stupid decision to end things. so don't make it harder for me than it already is please. i hate that even though iv deleted you from my phone, i can still remember your number that i can dangerously contact you whenever. hate it. have a safe trip. good luck with life and your future decisions."


email response written 30 Oct (unsent)

i read your email whilst at dinner with charmaine and tracy. i was doing and recovering well, and should've known better than to allow your email to get to me. i had to leave the dinner table to cry. and then to call you.

i did like those things. however, i honestly don't need a constant reminder of you, telling me that my love for you isn't enough. the batman tee is indeed new, it was meant to be a part of your 30 presents, which i completely forgot about, so i kept it and was gonna give it to you as a christmas present. i guess christmas came early this year for you.

i dont doubt your feelings for me. i never did, and never will. i know what we had was real, that the last year was more than great. i also know what could've been.

i am of the belief that all problems can always be worked out, no matter the difficulty. it's what love is about. fights are supposed to make couples stronger, and understand each other better. suffice to say, you don't see things that way.

the whistle puzzle thing is the best imagery of our relationship.
you couldn't get the parts to fit, and never finished it. it did take awhile.... and the parts fit, perfectly.
you give up when things are 'too hard'. in my mind, no matter how hard, things can work out. with time, with effort, with determination, with positivity.
you were/are so blinded by all your negativity, that no matter how hard i tried to remain positive, no matter how i tried to convince you, your negation overrode everything good. i cannot fight a wall of negativity.

you know how i deal with things, with relationships, with life. i give everything my all.
i gave you my all. all my love, all of me.

on the reverse, when you reject and choose to end things, you will also lose everything of me. you don't get anything of me. nothing. and that's something you'll have to deal with; which im sure should be a piece of cake for you, seeing as how that's your mantra - doing things and living life individually, no one can burst that bubble that is you.

i won't think badly of our relationship. how can i possibly? all the memories i have are good ones.
however, it will be awhile before i can fully forgive you for prematurely ending our relationship.
i don't think you properly gave us a chance. instead you took the easy way out and quit on us.
you took something that meant the world to me, away from me, because you are concerned only with your own well being; holed up in your own world, responsible only for you yourself and you.

i have bawled my eyes out enough for you now. no more. you're not worth my tears, i have to constantly remind myself.
you were lucky to have me, but now you've lost someone really good for/to you, and that's the choice you made. you'll have to live with the repercussions.

a little too dramatic? perhaps. but you see, you can't have everything you want. you can't dump someone then say i still love you and expect us to be chummy. doesn't work that way. at least, not now. maybe in a few months, a few years. maybe never. everything is so, so surreal.

deleting you.

know that im deleting you from my life, because that's the only way i know how, so i can function. i said goodbye, and i mean it. have a good trip to japan. good luck.

'im so sorry' she replies.

your loss. please stop texting me.

best break up song.

death of yan and reg

a time out, is like.. a slow and painful death of a relationship. if you go into a time out, chances are, the relationship will end.

and so, it did. it has. tonight, at the park, she called it quits.

too tired and no more energy, she says.

i pleaded, begged, grovelled, for her to try again. that we love each other, and that should be enough for us to work things through.

but no. she came into the meeting, mind already made up. there's no convincing her.

so be it.

i'll probably blame myself for a little bit, my stupid insecurities, as open as i was with them. i thought she would understand and accept them, but no. she feels i have to sort them out and deal with them on my own.

she didn't understand what the real crux of the matters were, and she probably never will. all the issues we have/had, she never fully got, and maybe that's why they kept coming up.

she damn well knows how good a partner i am. i'm incredibly loving, giving and supportive, and she will regret leaving me. we were and can be great together; but i guess this is all isn't enough for her.

i will be sad for awhile. and mourn. maybe i already have been mourning, since the start of the time out.

i've lost a great love, who knows if i'll find another.

but for now, i can say, by leaving me, she's lost someone good in her life.

being selfish

let me explain why you're 'selfish'. and it's only on this 1 account. i cannot fault you for anything else, because there is none. and this 1 area is a small thing that really can be solved if you try to see things from my perspective.

we all have our insecurities, and you know what mine are. despite you knowing my insecurities, you're not entirely mindful about it. the question i ask is, 'why is the one thing that is critical to me, you don't seem to care for? aren't my feelings important to you?'

this singular matter, my request in question, is an issue that has been around for the longest time, and despite all that we've discussed, up to now, it hasn't yet been solved. and i'm tired of feeling like it's something i have to solve entirely on my own.
the problem is that you don't think that you're doing anything wrong, and so will never see understand nor solve the issue at hand.
and fair enough, you can have your explanations and justifications, but please bear in mind, you're (are? were?) in a relationship with me. you're not in a relationship with yourself.
so when i said the world doesn't revolve around you, that's just what i mean. by your actions (or lack thereof), it doesn't feel like you have stopped to put yourself in my shoes, to even try and understand where i'm coming from.

instead, it's been all about you, what you think and what you feel is right or wrong on this matter. 'it doesn't even occur to you at all' is just an excuse. and it tells me that just maybe, my feelings don't matter at all to you. what's casual to you, may not be casual to me. and vice versa.

whilst yes, i agree, i have to sort out my insecurities; but i would've thought that as my partner or even just as a friend, you would be helping to alleviate and curb these insecurities, instead of using it against me.
this is just one thing but what if in the future a similar situation arises, will you be able to see things from my pov? or will i always have to give in to you and your ways? if things were the other way around, wouldn't you want me to see things from your perspective?
and you know what, i think i already have been. all the time you spend at bjj, i have never once complained about. if i really were to 'not let you do as you wanted' as you claimed, i'd be whining about how little i see you, or compare myself to bjj, and i sure as hell don't do that, nor will i ever, and you know that.

you're not inadequate, perhaps slightly uncompromising in certain areas. i just need you to see things from my perspective from time to time, and understand where im coming from. just like i have been trying to do for you. isn't that what relationships are about?

i love you, so very much, you know that. i am determined to make us work, which is why i am willing to give in to you as best i know how. because right from the start, i knew in my gut, what you mean to me, and how important you are to me. i know that i want you in my future.

15 days, 6 to go.

my love, for you.

year 1

1 year. a milestone of sorts. also opportunity to 'take stock' of our relationship.

what's the year entailed - quite a handful of serious arguments/fights. a relatively turbulent 11th month. a proposal for a 2week time out and counter proposed breakup. a request for a hard reset on the relationship. lots of good times out weighing the shit.

i have to keep reminding myself to trust and have faith. she doesn't want to end things, even though i gave her a way out.

she does want the relationship to work, because she has said it.

so just be patient, and ride the high tide, because soon, it will be calm waters again.

she just called you 'honey'.

so we've been fighting quite a lot.. and the common thread in the fight is that the 2 of us don't see eye to eye on a lot of matters, due to our very different ideas and perspectives.

and it doesn't help that i have trust issues that have derived from pa, as well as from the early relationships, (namely with kat); resulting in me over thinking to extremes and a blowing things out of proportion, perhaps as a defence mechanism. take the last argument for example. there i was, worrying over 'marriage' and 'omg. maybe she doesn't want the same things', and all she'd been thinking about is how our constant fighting has resulted in her being disinterested in sex.

'what. that's it?', was my response.

so we've agreed to restart. no more fighting.

my fear of people leaving, stems from my lack of trust, which in turn poses a threat to the relationship. and it's more apparent, unlike me, she doesn't show affection and can come across as being detached and disinterested. it's one massive vicious cycle.

so i'm getting counselling sessions to work on those trust issues, in hope of quelling my fear of people leaving.